Focus Your Topic - Direct Your ReaderRecently, lots of immigrants in the U.S. are becoming worried about their lives. The reason is that the U.S. government is planning to change some laws of immigration. A newspaper statistic shows that there are more than 11 million illegal immigrants in the U.S. After being shocked about this huge number, people start to think about what makes this many people keep coming into the U.S., either legally or illegally. In my opinion, there are four reasons for the emigrants coming in.
First and the most important, immigrants are looking for better living condition. The fact is that the U.S. is a much more developed country than many other countries in the world. From the cities to the country, everything is better and more advanced. For example, when I first came here from China, I was surprised by the road system here. A huge number of vehicles were running on wide four-line highways, and the speed of the vehicles was considered overhigh in China. However, the road system is not a big thing comparing with the insurance, the social security and the medical condition. On the other hand, in some countries, people don't have enough money to afford to get their children education, not enough to even afford medical care. In some places, getting enough food is still a problem.
The indefinite pronoun everything is too general. The writer then makes a statement about traffic conditions rather than living conditions. The writer does not show how living conditions are better in the U.S. The development is off target and unfocused. Only a list [insurance, social security, and medical conditions] is offered, but not one of these advantages is developed. The writer then veers off topic and mentions bad conditions in unspecified "other countries." The writer fails to offer convincing support for his or her topic sentence and is simply filling up the page with unfocused comments.